Lyrics by Ashley Michelle Hard

Let me paint for you the picture of what we feel
You don’t know until you know, until it’s too real

Without being bluntly told
The torment we daily hold

You would not know what it’s like for us
Yet you wonder why we struggle to trust
Wonder, oh wonder why we can’t trust

We all must share factors in common in order to be deemed
Though we were stitched differently as we were sewn and seemed…

[1. Fear of abandonment]

No one, not even normies, enjoy being tossed to the side
Even normies are careful what they show and what they hide

But unlike to the normies, to us it's not just unenjoyable
Rather is hot coal down our throat; utterly unbearable

We don't take such care to prevent our fear coming to pass
Merely to avoid normies believing we are with a half empty glass

Rather, truth be told, the mere thought of being left alone
Makes us desperate to not invite anyone into our hearts home

Desperate to push anyone and everyone away before they can leave
Whilst simultaneously portraying we wear our heart on our sleeve 

Truth is we bare within our chests, giant hearts most would never comprehend
Only seeing our outer Contortionist image as, for approval, we backbend 

What do you call this in which I speak?
Read further to find what you seek…

[2. Unstable relationships]

What those not inflicted, as we are, understand as  "falling in love"
We understand as a constant war with our hearts as we push and shove

We, what others can't fathom, know how to be uttermost dedicated
Leading us in the end, more often than not, to be pained and devastated 

Normies think we're cold, aggressive, and unable to love sincerely
When we solely seek to be loved back, which normies overlook so severely

They think we seek to find and maintain a broken and fragmented relationship
When in fact we're scaling the well walls for acceptance and companionship 

We're recognized as ones who're "damaged", "attention seeking" and "self sabotaging"
Truth is, we possess a secret, hidden, and often unharnessed, ability of master camouflaging

To an untrained eye, one would conclude a herd of elephants stampeding to be invincible, unstoppable, and courageous 
Look again; the solo mouse scurried over the massive toes, inflicting such fear the fierce giants retreated! What say ye "Outrageous!"? 

Outrageous… outrageous… is it so very outrageous…?

[3. Unclear or shifting self-image]

As we, inflicted by what this writing refers to, ride the rides of our day to day existence
We display to our families, friends, and mere onlookers, great and unwavering persistence

To untrained inspectors, we may be confused as weak willed, chaos creating and floating along submissively…
The truth is, our will is unwavering, the chaos actually created us and to survive we must float dismissively…

As we float simultaneously among stars in space and among sea creatures along the ocean floors…
We more often than not, find ourselves trapped behind many upon many unipenitable imprisoning doors…

You, an outsider or onlooker may believe we are, what's called, "two-faced" with no loyalties
You may believe we change our opinions of others repeatedly, even the royalties

You… you who point those fingers so blindly at us based solely on your opinionated perception
You… you should get your head outta the clouds to see we don't lead a lives of intentional deception

Yeah, we may not know who we are apart from those that influence our thoughts, words and actions
 It's our infliction, not yours to think you understand. We learned early the danger of letting others see our true reactions…

We weren't just taught… we were conditioned through rare circumstances and by abusive adults within our kiddo comprehension…
So, if you look down or judge; recognize, us born imprisoned by demons quickly understood, survival required absolute ascension…
…Absolute ascension…

[4. Impulsive and self-destructive behaviors]


Someone, a normie to the fullest, explained, she isn't ever abnormally crippled by dysphoria nor gifted ever with euphoria…
She is always okay, not quite good nor bad, just okay…yet, desires those extremes, even if required to become a human noria…

I feel, only a true normie would be envious of us, and without the fullest comprehension, verbally expressing it to us who're so inflicted…
She/they think they're superior for never "disconnecting" or acting out impulses which, our conscious awareness is abstrusely encrypted…

Superior? Or is the truth, they're terrified of what we in fact are, from our utmost core persona out to the surface of our spirits projected defensive shield?
We, born in demonic captivity, tortured and shaped into what/who we can't even comprehend is us… with the kiss of death our fates were sealed…

Our fates, which in dramatic aspects, could be argued on either side of the coin; a demonic cursing or angelic blessing…
Within the complexity of the understanding revolving which or the other, cursing or blessing, is, to each individually distressing…

Easy to argue it's a demonic curse that we had to endure the terror and traumas of, especially whilst our innocence from the start remained intact…
Flip the coin; although our perceptions are now distorted beyond belief, we are much more able with the upper hand. Fact.

While that normie wishes out loud her simple minded desire to feel an extreme state of dysphoria or euphoria, not caring which…
She, and all those of them on their high horses sitting so tall, point and hit us with rulers to correct us and convince us we're the glitch…

We may not act with the only reasoning they're able to comprehend and grasp, whilst feeling such giant heaps of "just okay"…
For, once you learn to walk, usually you won't desire continuing to crawl everywhere, nor, when gifted with secret knowledge and abilities do you say, "no thanks" then turn away…

… You don't just turn away …
You graciously accept the gift of magical knowledge, understanding and added abilities worth every pain endured, with a genuine smile, "Thank you for the best blessed gift ever!" You enthusiastically and humbly say …

[5. Self-harm]


Even this aspect of this ability disguised in their word "disability", I perceive differently than most would allow themselves to believe…
This factor too had a purpose for me and I bet it did as well for you; this one's main importance is to, in the end, put down and forever leave…

From personal experience… I was a freshman in highschool, my big brother, Dave, had taken his life, and all my past suffering finally caught up to me that dreadful Friday…
I wasn't saved from pain before Dave's death, rather his death was so immensely brutal that I could no longer bottle it away…

I can't quite recall what drove me to take the initial first step toward participating in this fifth factor… rather, by it, becoming immensely crippled…
I began recklessly riding my bike trying to crash, on a back, unpaved dirt road… I didn't get what I felt I needed, so from there, the "need" rippled…

While trying to crash I only barely tipped over with a bunch of dairy cows standing by as witnesses… one said "Mooo…" with a judgmental demeanor…
She was mad that with my granted freedom, as a human, to roam outside the fence, I was choosing reckless behavior over appreciating that my grass was greener…

Today, as I write, I can't completely recall… was it her judgemental tone… was it the way she starred without blinking… I don't know… but damn that cow…
The next thing I knew, I was picking my bike up, pulling my very sharp knife from my pocket, flipping it out… I shouldn't have blamed the cow… 
It was just easier to blame her… that cow… who probably, if she knew, would've beaten me up …. Pow! Pow!....

…🤔..🤨…🧐…🤨..🤔…

For those of you who can't directly relate to what I did, before those judgmental dairy cows who watched closely with unblinking and unwavering eyes, chewing cud with zero shame…
Before that day as dusk approached, I never thought I'd intentionally hurt myself… yet … after that initial self-inflicted wound…more and more wounds came…

I wasn't one … one who did anything but run from the awareness of what I was doing, and utmost certainty took every drastic measure to cover up and hide…
Keeping it bottled, holding my head high as if fine, spared my loved ones for sure… but as well, kept me from receiving help I desperately wished for, silently inside…

Instead I became obsessed, not only with the ritual I quickly developed in my new found addiction, but too with the idea of my perfect suicide…
As if the pain, sorrow and anguish my mom and us kids went through after Dave passed… as if everyone wasn't going through enough… I thought I'd be okay to trigger more tears to be cried…
…More tears to be cried…
…Tears to be cried…

[6. Extreme emotional stages]


This factor comes more commonly to those of us who're… gifted..? Cursed..? Strong enough to survive just to be labeled as "lesser" and deemed…
The further I get into harnessing this ability fuller and with more direction, the closer I get to reaching the highest level of comprehension… it's all I've dreamed…

 Where I started 16 years ago, where I am now and where I hope to be in 16 years to come… within all the points that my life-timeline has allowed for so much to be gained…
All points granted not only newfound comprehension, skills learned to better control these factors, as well immense amounts of growth were obtained…

What I've come to understand about this sixth factor from the point of my birth, point of being 14 years old, and to the point of 30 years old me on this day…
The most important thing I've come to grasp as of yet in my years in this life, revolving this factor, the sixth factor… don't ever submit and believe what your strongest demon so violently does say…

For it'll scream, threaten and torture you with it's 
words so delicately hissed over their tongue passed its sharp teeth and curved beyond its lips, in whichever way most efficiently destroys your soul's will to stay alive…
As you've been warned of your demons, be warned as well of your inner angel so euphorically voiced to provide you with necessary encouragement to press on forward, pass station survive to destination thrive…

Although, as it should be obvious to most, that your demons, who wish you nothing but extremely violent harm, they are the ones who you should be more wary of, following them with cautious awareness, more than the angelic guide's messages, who are guiding you to your better future, right?… Wrong!...
When you go out at night, you walk with a much more careful footing, as you can barely see, so of course you will, you see? Just as in walking while guided by the sunlight, unafraid, therefore more unwise, you're more likely to trip, fall or allow distractions to cause you to get lost… while you're much too carelessly singing to your favorite pep-soaked song…

It's easy to assume the ones you'll know as your inner angel guides, should be the one more focus be placed on as if they want good things for you, it should only make sense, right?
Truth, make the demons your focal point. Not to follow them before your angel guide, actually to stay alert, don't let your guard down, and keep your distance, while keeping the demons directly in sight…

In an easier more defining line in the sand to view than what I explained above, let me define it in this formation…
Let your angel guides advise you on which steps to take when you're engulfed in the deepest darkest you've recognized or known ever existed since this planet's creation…

Paired with maintaining your strength and endurance… while the sun watches over you with an eye of protection… by battling against the demonic swirls of the whirlpool which attempts to drown you slowly and repeatedly… which is powered solely by the demonic, ever so silently, whispered voices…
Within every aspect of existence… from the sun to the moon, the water to fire,the winter to the summer, the desert to the Rainforest, from the depths of space to the ocean floors from high to low… left to right… all is balanced, and must maintain balance through awareness of choices…

 Most are out of your control, so don't fret over those… what is within your control, maintaining a balance within yourself, between your demons whispering and beaconing to you from the darkest corner…
 To continue to follow the wise guidance so harmoniously senonated by your angel guides, reaching your souls innermost heart and ears, two words spoken of you by not too you "warn her.."... 

Conveying in the spiritual language much and vast amounts of information… in which, was most importantly detailed to you…
 In descriptive, and vastly interpreted in every way, your most important and dire need to be known, your most vital life path, what's up ahead and what you're to do…
…Listen and don't forget what to do…
"You've been warned what to do…"...

[7. Chronic feelings of emptiness]

In this factor, the seventh factor, is one of the factors that took me the longest to grasp understanding of to the extent that I was able to redirect myself off the course of plowing through snow banks, over the cliffs edge to free falling to my utter demise…
In factor six, I explained the 2 extremes we're, within this "diagnosis", believed to solely reside within one or the other; this is false wisdom taught… at the tippy top point of the triangle whose bases are the extreme "states" 1.Dysphoria and 2.Euphoria… I stay defeated at that tippy top… I can't help but release many sighs…

At the tip of the triangle of the "emotional/mental states" of this ability called "disability" resides state "1.5" this one, not all psychologists and psychiatrists recognize as one of three states, rather it's dismissed after 1. Dysphoria and 2. Euphoria, so 1.5 is what I have dubbed it be named …
Most say 1 or 2 are the worsts for sure even when considering 1.5, but this, well… in my opinion 1.5 is the uttermost excruciating of the three, where within 1 and 2 there's at least something in the aspect revolving sensation of feelings, as in comparison to 1.5, 1 and 2 are vastly more tamed…

You see, within euphoria, I'd say, should go without saying, this outta the three is the most tolerable, I'd even go as far as to say it's even often borderline enjoyable, like that old game where you shoot ducks…
Then we have dysphoria; how do I begin to go about explaining, at minimum, my own personal opinion about this one… well, bluntly said, it quite frankly sucks… SUCKS… 

Euphoria prompts wanna desires to become fully engrossed and engaged with all the things I love and even with some things I never thought about, or even considered could be so fun and thrilling!
Whereas what my "real-feels" are about Dysphoria; in this state, I'm lucky to sleep; can't sleep at night…brutal nightmares… I can't sleep during the day… the sun too loudly shines; against my skull won't stop drilling…

But… but… BUT!!! Don't even get me started on 1.5! Why all the 'normie docs''don't recognize this as one of the "states" straight up baffles me 155% plus over and above a heping amount… to infinity and beyond… you know?
I mean, come on people! You think you're so smart and you don't accept 1.5 as a "state"?? For real?? I had to discover for myself on a personal understanding of this one… the normie docs don't see it cause it's much less vividly does show…

Due to the length this post already is, I'll end with; to be continued…

Thank you for reading

–Ashley Michelle Hard–